Don't Think About It
by Sishopper
Summary: What happens when you think about the relationship between Nymphadora Tonks and Remus Lupin. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: They would have lived.**

Don't think about Remus barely allowing himself to stare discreetly at Tonks, unable to refuse his mind the little piece of joy it receives at the thought of them together –because if he couldn't hold her, couldn't call her _his_ , at least he could picture it, and that was one of the very few things keeping him going in such dark times.

Don't think about Remus being confused at first over why Tonks was acting so weird around him and being terrified that maybe she found out that he was a werewolf, and maybe she had a problem with it and – _oh God, he wouldn't be able to stomach the thought_ –maybe she was horrified of him now.

Don't think about how strong Tonks had to be, to convince Remus, the most resilient of the Marauders –who managed to lie even semi-convincingly to James _and_ Sirius for at least a year about all of his disappearances –that he was worth it, that he was worth her affections, and her time, and the rest of her life; _and that she loved him too._

Don't think about Tonks doubting him – _doubting herself_ –and sobbing, because he kept refusing her, turning her away, and he was only hurting her more by trying to stay away, by refusing to allow himself a shred of happiness, and ' _Oh God, Molly, what if he really_ doesn't _love me_?'

Don't think about Remus insisting that he will never be good enough for her, that he wasn't young enough for her, that she deserves someone better – _someone_ _whole_ –and that he loves her too much to ruin her life.

Don't think about Tonks swearing at Remus that ' _Bloody hell, that is the most absurd thing I've ever heard, you sodding idiot'_.

Don't think about how alone Remus felt, because he had just lost his best friend, and he was there and hadn't been able to save him –and that if it weren't for needing to hold Harry back, Remus probably would have gone after Sirius himself.

Don't think about the guilt and grief that Remus suffered with for months, because he _couldn't save the people he loved,_ how useless he must have felt.

Don't think about how Tonks lost her cousin, her friend, as well as any chance she thought she might've ever had in seeing Remus happy –even if it was without her.

Don't think about the grief Remus agonized over because he was _weak_ –he gave in, even though he knew that he'd never deserve her, but that he was too selfish to say no any longer. That he couldn't stand to make her depressed anymore, that he couldn't stomach that he was the reason behind it all.

Don't think about how happy Tonks was on her wedding day, when she could hold his hand in front of everyone they loved, and tell him – _her husband_ –that they would always manage to find light – _to find joy and happiness and_ love –even in the darkest of times, so long as they were together.

Don't think about Remus still having doubts, but pushing them to the back of his mind because ' _oh Merlin, he loved her_ '.

Don't think about Tonks being absolutely thrilled when she found out about being pregnant.

Don't think about Tonks, trying to figure out the perfect way to tell Remus, and accidentally just blurting it out instead, almost giving him a heart attack in the process.

Don't think about Remus nearly having a heart attack and choking, and Tonks entire body just _blushing_ because ' _Oh no. What have I done. I fucked up, I fucked up. It was supposed to be sweet, and cheesy and_ dammit!'

Don't think about Remus needing to go to his dead best friend's son, the only link he has left to his friends –the ones that broke the law and did everything they could for him, who were there for him at a time when very few people were –for advice, for a distraction, for an adventure _for old times sake_ because he needed to feel like his old self, who didn't always carry around that much guilt or worry or fear.

Don't think about Tonks, being pregnant and alone, and how all of her insecurities due to being so bloody emotional turn against her when her husband leaves her alone.

Don't think about Remus feeling so guilty and scared about all of the possibilities, that he needed to be pushed away from the last link of his best friends, to find the courage to return to his wife and unborn child.

Don't think about an indignant Tonks, who gave Remus hell when he came back for abandoning her in the first place, just before she jumped into his arms, ' _bloody hell, wolf, don't you know there's a war going on out there? Never leave me again_.'

Don't think about Remus overcoming those difficulties, with Tonks in his arms and his in-laws at his side.

Don't think about Remus and Tonks being ecstatic when Teddy was born.

Don't think about the tears of happiness and love that were shed over him, even in such dark times.

Don't think about the worry creeping in, not even two days later.

Don't think about how Remus and Tonks figured out whether or not Teddy was a werewolf.

Don't think about them locking him up in a room, in his crib, by himself, with only a window and the full moon to keep him company.

Don't think about Tonks, listening at the door by herself, for the sounds of extreme pain, while her husband suffered through it far away and just as alone.

Don't think that for the first month of their son's life, Remus and Tonks were so worried, and then they were relieved, when Tonks told Remus that there had been no painful cries, that their child did not have to suffer quite like his father.

But even their relief didn't last long, because soon enough, they were dead, and they felt no emotions at all.

But they died being so close to each other and yet so far away –

They died reaching for each other, but feeling like at the last second, one of them was pulling away, just like they feared the other would, only to realize that they were both floating away.

Don't think about neither of them realizing the implications of this until suddenly Tonks broke down and the only thing Remus could comprehend was ' _Teddy, oh Teddy, Dear God, why Teddy_?'

Don't think about Remus staring at her confusedly, wondering what she was on about and then just freezing because he could see a young girl with red hair, and Harry with different eyes, and Sirius and and–' _Dear God, Teddy. Harry. No no no no no_.'

 _Whatever you do, never think about Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks._


End file.
